Using Wish Fulfillment with Toddlers

Awhile back I came across an article from API Speaks.  It's called Lying: The Developmental Truth, and it outlined how one mama dealt with her four-year-old's tendency to lie.  Lying is a developmental stage, one that can be expected from most neuro-typical kids.  This mama found that some of her child's lying had to do with wish fulfillment: the boy wanted something to be true, so he said that it was regardless of what mom could clearly see.

Interesting stuff.  It really caught my attention, and I percolated the idea for a while.

Gus and Jack aren't at the developmental stage where lying comes into play yet, but I've started using the concept of wish fulfillment to help them cope with disappointment.  Toddlers experience a lot of disappointment in their lives; they can't always make their bodies do what they want, and they can't always find the words to express what they want.

As they get bigger, kids' needs and wants diverge.  When my boys were infants what they wanted was the same as what they needed: food, warmth, love, connection.  Now that they're two, that piece of candy that they want is a far cry from what they actually need.  

So when one of them is crying because I won't give him any more crackers before dinner, our conversation goes something like this:

"MORE CRACKERS!"
"Sorry, kiddo.  Dinner is almost ready, and we'll be eating soon."
"NOOOOO!  MORE!"
"Hmmm... I bet you wish you could have more crackers, huh?"
"Yes.  More crackers, mama!"
"Do you wish you could eat all the crackers in the package?"
"Ummm...."
"Do you wish you could eat all the crackers in the whole world?"
"No, mama!  Only more crackers."
"It sounds like you're really hungry.  Let's go eat dinner now."
"Come with you, mama?"
"Yes, baby, you can come with me.  Let's go."

As silly as I get with the wish fulfillment aspect of this, though, what really makes it work is the connection.  These types of conversations aren't had from across the room, or while I'm doing something else.  I get down on the floor, and we talk.  I acknowledge my son's emotions, and we connect.  I'm letting him know I hear him, and I appreciate what he's saying.  But sometimes you've gotta stop eating crackers so you can have dinner.

I also use the same strategy for other things, like putting on shoes, or changing from pjs into clothes, or after El.mo's World is over.  I don't know why it works, I just know that-- for now at least-- it does.

And I'm really grateful to have this gentle tool in my parenting toolbox.

More butterflies, mama?

Here they are!

Jack's new glasses.  He's been wearing them for longer periods of time each day.  And often he'll ask for them.  I think they really make a difference.  Plus, he's so stinkin' cute.

Breaking News! Woman Breastfeeds 2 Year Old Twins!

I seriously feel like I needed some kind of banner or something today.  I had to run two errands directly relating to my breasts and breastfeeding today.  And both people I interacted with made incorrect assumptions about me and my children.

First, I've developed thrush again.  I recognized the symptoms and was lucky enough to get a refill on my prescription for nipple ointment.  So I went to the compounding pharmacy where it's made, both boys in tow.  I would normally try to do this errand without them, but today wasn't a normal day and I needed the ointment before the long weekend.

Jack was clinging to me like a little monkey, whiny and sad.  Gus was walking around the waiting room, touching everything.  He wasn't bothering anything, nor destroying it.  Just touching things.  The woman behind the counter exited my good graces when she told him to not touch the business cards.  The ones set up in fun little mortar-and-pestal holders on the coffee table.  Irresistibly interesting and fun.  I would have stopped him if he'd been throwing them around or something, but he was just sliding his fingers over them.  As I was attempting to pay for my prescription Gus decided to go exploring.  I was signing the receipt, chasing after Gus, holding Jack, and trying to answer the woman's questions.

"Are they twins?"  Yes.
"Are they fraternal?" Yes.
"How old are they?" Two.
"You must have your hands full!"  Yes.
"And with another little one at home?  My goodness."  Um... what?

By the time I fully comprehended this last question, we were thankfully on our way out the door.  The woman behind the counter  assumed I had thrush and needed the nipple ointment because I was nursing an infant.

Nope.  I nurse my two year old twins.  And I happen to get thrush every now and again.  I seriously debated going back to tell her this, but realized how silly that would be.  I had told the boys we were heading to the park, and going anywhere BUT the park would have been crazy at that point.

My second errand today was buying new nursing bras.  I buy relatively cheap ones at J C Pen.ney so they wear out quickly but are easily replaceable.  They were out of my size, so I ordered some to be shipped to the store.  I was sans children, but tired from the day and not really wanting to chat with the woman behind the counter.

"When is the baby due?"  Oh, they're already here.
"They?  Twins?  Boy and girl?  Identical or fraternal?"  Yes.  Yes.  Two boys.  Fraternal.
"How old are they?"  Two.
"Oh, how precious!  I remember those days!  Two months is such a precious time."  Um... what?

I said two, not two months.  Sigh.  I took the easy way out, didn't correct her, and went upstairs to see if there were any good kids' clearance items.  Size 24 months, of course.

I started to feel bad about not educating those two older women about the normalcy of natural duration nursing.  But then I realized I was doing pretty well by setting an example for other mothers I know, and my family.  Until I get that banner made, it will have to do.

Breaking News!  Woman Nurses Twin Toddlers!

Glasses

There will be a new pair of glasses in my house soon.  But they're not mine... they're Jack's.  He has an astigmatism in both eyes.  It's gotten progressively worse in the past year, so he's been fitted for glasses.

This makes me a little sad.  I'm not sad that he'll be the adorable kid in glasses, I'm upset to think Jack experiences the world in a less-than-optimum way.  The doctor explained that astigmatisms cause distortion.  Some of the light enters the eye and lands where it's supposed to, but some lands short.  So Jack could be seeing some things double, or he might not be seeing some things at all.  The doctor also explained that young children with astigmatisms or other vision needs are sometimes clingy, unsure in new situations, or scared a lot.  They also tend to fall down.

Well, shoot.  Jack is clingy and high needs.  I attributed this to his personality and parented accordingly.  I'm sure that most of it IS just the way he's wired.  But not seeing well would definitely exacerbate his feelings of insecurity.  Also, he falls down quite a bit.  He tends to land on his mouth.  The poor baby has had more bloody lips in his two years than some five year olds I know.  I just thought it was because he was impulsive and impish and tended to leap before he looked.  Right, mama.  But if he can't SEE where he's leaping or what he's leaping over, then it makes sense he'd be the twin that falls down more.

The eye doctor suggested glasses when Jack was 18 months old, but I didn't feel he would be ready or willing to wear them with any regularity.  So we've spent the last six months making my glasses a hot commodity.  Both boys love getting them and bringing them to me in the morning.  They often ask to put them on.  They giggle and touch the lenses saying "Mama eye in there!"  Jack and I have been talking about his new glasses.  I'll ask where they are and he'll touch the bridge of his nose questioningly.  Then we talk about how they're at the lab, but he can wear them soon, just like Mama!

I'm afraid the most difficult part of Jack having glasses will be Gus NOT having some; his eyes are fine.  We actually started going to the eye doctor when the boys were just under one year old because I was worried about Gus' eyes!  I noticed some crossing of his left eye in pictures.  I never caught it in real life, but it was enough to get us in to see the eye doctor.  I'm so glad... because it turns out one of my babies needs glasses.

Note: The boys' first eye exam was through InfantSee.  It's a phenomenal program that offers free eye exams to infants under 1.  Check them out, and get your baby's eyes checked! 

Yep. I went there.

About seven years ago, I read Fast Food Nation.  It was a watershed book for me.  I boycotted fast food.  I was appalled by the companies' treatment of their employees, disgusted by the description of what was in the food and how the animals were treated, and frankly I realized I'd be better off not eating that crap anyway.  And so.

Fast forward to today.  I'm just beginning to catch my breath after a tidal wave of illness swept through my house.  There were headcolds, brochiolitis, pneumonia, and a nasty stomach bug.  Gus is back to his cheery self, but Jack is still terrified of vomiting, and won't eat much of anything.  In a desperate attempt to entice him to get some calories and protein into his body, I took the boys to a fast food place.  There, Jack ate most of a hamburger, some fries, and a little bit of milkshake.  He ate!  But it was crap food.

The angel on my shoulder says it's ok, he got some sort of sustenance.  The angel doesn't think they'll form any wonderful associations to the place or the food. There was no play place; they just enjoyed calling out the colors of cars they saw in the parking lot as they ate.  But the devil... well the devil on my other shoulder has been giving me grief all day about compromising my convictions.

Sigh.  My sister will have a field day with this when she finds out.  I've sternly told her in no uncertain terms that my boys were not to have fast food.  Until today, anyway.  And I'm the one who took them!

It's amazing how motherhood can soften the iron of long-held convictions in the name of doing what's best for your child.  Was giving them crap food the best thing?  No, probably not.  But it was the best solution I could come up with at the time, and it worked for what it's worth.

Now I just need to figure out what to feed Jack tomorrow.  'Cause we're not going back there.

Good night, sweethearts.

I sing to-- and now with-- Gus and Jack all day long.  Including at night when they're nursing to sleep.  Here are two of their current favorite lullabies.

To the tune of ABCs:

Gus and Jack, I love you

And I know you love me, too.

You are my light, my love, my boys.

You bring me unending joy.

Gus and Jack, I love you.

And I know you love me, too.

To the tune of Jes.us Loves Me:

Mama loves you, this you know

for I always tell you so.

Precious ones in my heart belong

you are smart and you are strong.

Yes, Mama loves you.

Yes, Mama loves you.

Yes, Mama loves you

I always tell you so.

We then sing this one again and put in other names:  Daddy loves you, Nana loves you, etc.

Tonight Gus joined in.  It melted my heart.

Goodnight, my little loves.

I have no current pictures of them sleeping... must remember to fix that!

The Power of Please Part Two

About seven months ago, I wrote a post about the power of please.  Gus and Jack learned to sign please, and it was so darn cute.

Now, we're working on manners again.  It's a whole different ballgame now that they're verbal.  Their language acquisition simply amazes me.  Gus in particular can and will parrot just about everything I say right back at me.  (I have to be very mindful of what comes out of my mouth now!)

I taught the boys to say "I want na-na please."  Na-na is our word for nursing.  I would say it to them, they would say it back, and they would get to nurse.  I could just see the light bulb blinking on above their heads.  "Hey!" their expressions seemed to say.  "These sounds get me what I want!  Cool."

And now they have figured out that they can put other words into this sentence with the same amazing results.  Last night Gus said "I want mamera [camera] peez."  Keeping in mind Alfie Kohn's advice to make yes the default answer, I agreed.  We then joyfully took pictures of the ceiling, up Gus' nose, and Jack's forehead together.  Next we made a movie.  It was so much fun!  

Both boys have now learned to create new requests from the template.  They are able to voice their wants to parents who are willing to fulfill them, and the satisfaction is evident in their faces.  They are learning to talk, learning manners, learning basic communications skills.

Being their mama is amazing.  

A portrait of Jack, taken by Gus.