Monday, May 2, 2011

The scariest thing I did today

Today, for the first time since before the boys were born, I did a handstand in yoga class.  I've been working on my inversions for awhile, and adding the handstand back into my practice was the ultimate goal.

I did it!

I attribute most of my ability to do so today to muscle memory.  My body remembered how to flip upside down (against the wall-- I have yet to brave an inversion in the middle of the room!) and hold the pose.  The other half of the inversion equation is convincing yourself that you won't fall.  It's all in your mind, the fear of being upside down, holding your own weight.  So, to get over the mind block, I told myself "This is not the scariest thing I've done today."

And it wasn't.  What could be scarier than planting your hands on your mat and flipping your feet over your head?  Going to the OB/GYN.

I've been working through my birth trauma.  I've been going to yoga to regain my strength and health.  I've also been attending EMDR therapy, and part of my work there is to start going to doctors again.  I had a flashback to my c-section while getting a mole removed and one at the dentist's office when the overhead light was pulled into my line of sight.  While getting my lady parts checked was very high on my list of priorities, I kept putting if off, until today..

Part of what got me back in the stirrups was my therapist's urging, and part of it was reading Betsy's blog.  Betsy advocates for preventative women's health care by telling her story.

The appointment itself was pretty uneventful, and I experienced fear but no flashbacks.  I cried, but only a little.  I breathed deeply, and left feeling a great sense of relief.

I'm still afraid of hospitals, and doctors by association, but I have proven to myself that I am strong enough to go when I need to.  Just like I'm strong enough to do a handstand in yoga.